5 April 13 Finally?

I have been a carnal Christian for so long now that with my recent breakthroughs, it feels like getting saved all over again. I know that I was saved when I first received Christ. I know that Christ has been with me ever since. But when I say that I was a carnal Christian, I mean that I still had not truly grasped one of the key components of being a Follower of Christ. I was still putting myself first, thinking of me before I thought of others. I was Joyce Meyer's proverbial "What About Me? What About Me?" robot. :)

And still my God loves me. Still my Savior intercedes on my behalf before the Father. Thanks to this current study of the Gospel of John that the Life Group I attend is doing, I have grown closer to Jesus. I am only now truly beginning to understand the "fullness of Christ." And it was all my fault. I now understand why I must "renew my mind daily" (Romans 12:1). Jesus is the Word. (John 1:1) I prayed so many times for God to let me get as close to Him as possible. God kept telling me over and over through various media that all I needed to do was study His Word. Unfortunately, I didn't get it. But, by His grace, I have it now. :)

Does this mean that I am perfect now? Nope. That's why I must renew my mind daily. That's why I must submit every thought to obedience in Jesus Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5). That's why I must spend time in His presence. I am still mortal. I am still flesh. And until Jesus calls me home, I will struggle with temptation. I will also have problems, struggles, make mistakes, and do stupid stuff. But now I have Jesus. When I spend time in His Word, I become more familiar with His ways. When I spend time in His presence, I become more familiar with His voice. And then when His Holy Spirit Who now dwells in me speaks, I can hear Him clearly. When a situation comes up and I must choose to put myself or someone else first, it becomes my nature to do that because the more time I spend with God, the more like Him I become. The more time I spend with Jesus, the more sense it makes to me to forgive someone than not to. The more time I spend with Jesus, the less time I spend thinking about myself. I find my thoughts are on the well-being and needs of others instead.

Jesus loves me. Plain and simple. Does it mean that I get a free ride and can do whatever I want? Nope. Not if I really love Him. His Word tells me that people will know that I love Him because I keep His commandments. (John 13:35) I think that my biggest problem since I was first saved was that I just wanted to "date" Jesus. I wasn't quite ready to sell out every area of my life. I had my own agendas. But when I finally got serious about getting to know Him, He did not hesitate to reveal Himself to me. And I have been left overwhelmed. Because I have discovered that I am loved, truly, unconditionally, and forever. You see, Jesus knew all of the possible outcomes for my life. He knew exactly what He was getting when He paid the ultimate price for me. And I definitely got the best end of the deal. I get Him - The King of kings and the Lord of lords, my Savior and Redeemer.

So, no, I'm not perfect and I'm gonna make mistakes. My life isn't grand, perfect, or carefree. But because of my Lord, I have hope that I will live this day better than I did yesterday. And I will enjoy this day, no matter what, better than I did yesterday simply because He lives.

3 April 13

It's been a while since my last post. So many things have happened. I've had gastric bypass surgery. My husband's grandmother who raised him passed away. My step-son got married. And my own mom passed away. I traded two horses that I loved dearly for one that I still have yet to build a rapport with. I sold the first land that I ever owned outright. And I have joined Life Church of Rainbow City.

I wish that I could have had the surgery before my mom passed away. It would have made her happy since she worried so much about my weight. Mom died of pancreatic cancer. By the time she went to a doctor, the cancer had metastasized throughout her abdomen and onto her lungs. Her gastroenterologist found the cancer the week before Labor Day of 2011. She saw her oncologist for the first time on September 13, 2012. The doctor told her that it was stage IV, pretty much a death sentence for anyone who is diagnosed with this cancer. She was in a lot of pain. I stayed with her, watching her sleep and trying to do things the way that she wanted me to so that she would rest. Thursday, September 15, 2011, we received a phone call to come in for blood work so the doctor could do a biopsy the following day. We scrambled around and found a driver (Mom was a schoolbus driver) to cover her route and were just about to walk out the door when we received another call not to come in because the doctor was not certified to do that particular procedure. We were devastated. Mom could not start any type of treatment until the biopsy was performed. And because her oncologist had gone out of town for the week, there was no one else to perform the procedure. I didn't know how to comfort her or reassure her as I watched her change back into her nightgown. We sat outside on the patio that afternoon and talked. I wanted to make sure that I knew where she stood as far as preparations went. But I didn't know how to breech the subject without sounding as if I had given up on her recovery and survival.

The next day, Mom got up and drove the bus. She ate a good breakfast which was huge since the nausea was becoming more constant. I can't remember if she drove that afternoon or if I did. Still, it was looking good and I was planning to go back home the next day after I took her to get chicken feed.

Around 5 am on September 17, 2011, Mom had a debilitating stroke. I rushed her to the ER and had her there within the "golden hour." It is believed that stroke victims who receive treatment within an hour of the first sign of stroke symptoms have a better chance of avoiding long-term brain damage. But because my mom had stage IV pancreatic cancer the on-call doctor was at a loss of what to do. He meandered around and it was about two to three hours later before she was given a CT scan. No one was able to determine where the clot came from and, therefore, we watched helplessly as Mom lost the ability to move her left arm then her left leg and finally started struggling with speech. It was later decided that the cancer itself was shooting off clots. Because Mom had been taking vitamin E for years, it had prevented this problem. But when she knew that she would have to endure chemo, she stopped taking the supplement.

She stayed in the hospital for seven days and then was dismissed because she was considered terminal. I have never been so angry and felt so helpless as I did at that moment. I wanted to fight for her but didn't know how or what to do. So, I did the only thing that I knew to do.

I have severe nerve damage in my neck, shoulders, and arms. I have very limited upper body strength. And even though my mom was only about 115 lbs., she was a dead weight on one side. I was the only one who could stay with her 24/7. So, she and I went to the Lineville Health and Rehabilitation Center for 21 days. My brother was supposed to be building a ramp so that I could get her home. Unfortunately, it took longer than I had anticipated and Mom was in the nursing home for almost the entire 21 days. The upside was that I had help getting her on and off the potty. She was taken twice a week and put into the whirlpool where they could wash her hair.

But my fiercely independent mother was living her worst nightmare. She was physically and mentally unable to fend for herself. Her pain was extraordinary. This woman who had ran from pain medication in fear of addiction or mental incapacity now asked for it. One day, she would be her old fighting self, telling people that when she got home, she was going to walk again. But the nights would beat her back down. It was as if the cancer knew when the sun set.

Our hospice nurse, who was also a family friend, began visiting while we were still in the nursing home. Lelia explained to me that the cancer had pretty much invaded all of my mother's organs and digestive system. If she tried to eat or drink, it caused so much pain that even the idea of food or water became nauseating for her. Her mind began to deteriorate as well. One second she loved me dearly and was my wonderful mother; the next, she was someone that I did not recognize, blaming me for things that I had no control over and flying into a rage at me, accusing me of trying to control her or, worse still, trying to harm her. I am so grateful for the experienced nurses and caregivers who didn't just do their jobs, but went beyond and gave my mom loving care and extended that love to me as well.

We brought Mom home on October 10, 2011. I put her in front of her big window at the front of the house so that she could look out at her yard. She stopped trying to eat or drink
anything at all the day after that. Around 4:30 pm, October 13, 2011, Mom finally gave up and went home to Jesus.

It's been 18 months since my mom left me. I prayed for her healing, asking God to heal her totally and completely because anything less and my mom would be miserable. God did heal her. He gave her a beautiful new unperishable body and a new home with Him. Mom finished her race and won. One day, I will finish mine and see her again. In the meantime, I also am enjoying another answered prayer. I had prayed that God would bring good out of all this suffering. And He did.

I now have a better relationship with both of my sons. I have since worked through a lot of junk that was bogging me down regarding my dad. And I am closer to my husband than I was before. My oldest son has learned to handle his finances on his own. And my youngest is growing up as well. We all began to grow up when Mom went Home. And that is a good thing.